This blog is dedicated to a literary canon of authors that never existed but still found success while alive (no pun intended); though their works perhaps forgotten their glorious and idiotic quotes live on forever!

"I write with ink and quill which really messes up my computer screen" - C.S. Murphy Pickle

 

A rare interview with reclusive and narcoleptic author Cheryl Monroe gets oddly surreal. From the “What the hell was that about?” back log of your faithful Reader.

“What will make China correct its air pollution problem? Sports bras going into high demand! As the middle class grows in China, so will a demand for reasonably priced food stuffs i.e. fatty foods e.g. fast foods. This will of course lead to some very chubby Chinese folk who will undoubtedly wish to burn off the excess calories. A healthy jog is hard enough, but jogging in acid rain? No way, Jose! Especially when it eats away at inferior made latex materials that lead to topless marathon running. No way is the Chinese Department of Cultural Affairs going to put up with this…. Hmmm….”

-in the forward by Dalton Profit (Harvard Professor of Economics and Political Studies) to Externalities: Pollution, Sports Bras, Burger King and Topless Chinese Female Joggers by P.J. Solds 

"Wait, hold up now… maybe I’ve overthought this one, no need to jump to conclusions. I mean there are plenty of other boring books on economics on the shelf these days… have you read The World Is Flat by my good buddy and fellow colleague Thomas Friedman? I’m sure he’s got something interesting to say…. Forget this cockamamie book by Solds and just move on, man. Let the chips fall where they may, okay? No need to stir the political socio-economic pot over a few topless female Chinese joggers.” -Dalton Profit

"Gobble gobble gobble."

- T.R. Key author of such delectably dramatic roman à clefs as The Day of The Oven and Butterball: Atonement. 

Label Magazine proclaims-

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"Nick Offerman and my bathroom clock."

-Dhingus O’Rourke’s 52nd entry in Objects In My House that Resemble Celebrity Entertainers (1st Edition)

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"I wear no rouge! No rouge? No rouge!"

-L. H. Povenstov’s (1899-1952, playwright) titular character of The Queen in Puce revealing the main twist in the plot to secondary character Calliope.  The play is infamous in drama circles for three reasons:

  1. Its first stage production was to star Dierdre Cullins as the Queen, who “couldn’t act an octopus off of her wretched face!” according to noted dramaturge and spoiler alert expert I. B. Korpsyn.
  2. Any actor applying semiotic analysis to Act Two developed an obsession with wearing pancake makeup and naming all the stars in the constellation Orion. This effect lasted until the beginning of Act Three was reached, or tech was called.
  3. Povenstov was sued soon after release of the work by a more existent author who claimed: “It’s a disheartening affair to have your greatest works plagiarized, but an altogether tragedy when they decide to pillage such garbage.” 

Real Quotes By Fictitious Authors: “Spotlight Series” deconstructs the writing process by delving in with intimate looks at some of our most popular fictitious authors. 

In part 3 of our 3 part exclusive spotlight series on fictitious authors we conclude our time with the prolific and thought-provoking: Dawood Mulge.

When Mulge was asked “Will you continue to write novels?”

Mulge answered: “Sure, but can I finish this sandwich first?”

Think simple, think big, think Mulge. 


Real Quotes By Fictitious Authors: “Spotlight Series” deconstructs the writing process by delving in with intimate looks at some of our most popular fictitious authors. 

In part 2 of this 3 part exclusive series we continue to probe a little deeper with our cameras into the private life of one of the most elusive and compelling voices of this or any other generation: Dawood Mulge.

When Mulge was once asked: “What is the key to being a great writer?”

Mulge responded: “I find that paper and a good pen often help.”

Think simple, think big, think Mulge. 

Real Quotes By Fictitious Authors: “Spotlight Series” deconstructs the writing process by delving in with intimate looks at some of our most popular fictitious authors. First up is: Dawood Mulge, intellectual, philosopher, political activist, and fictitious author. 

When Real Quotes by Fictitious Authors sent out our Reader to contact Mr. Mulge about being in our spotlight series his response was classic Mulge: “Hmmm, that sounds like it might be something.”

"Her curves were undeniable, such a tall and bulbous polished beauty. When she was finally placed next to me I had the uncontrollable desire to spoon her."

-The Dinner Knife (author of such wares as The Table is Set and I Want To Fork You, Baby. and of course the titillating: Orgy of Silverware

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"An author who finally knows how to slice away the fat and get to the meat of things!" -Bon Appétit Magazine

"The Dinner Knife can butter my muffin any time!" -Boston Globe